To Unite Your Team, Build Psychological Safety (Team Series 1/10)

December 3, 2019 Regina Zafonte

If somebody was to ask me about the most valuable skill you can develop to thrive in the work world - being an excellent team player is at the top. A company is not about individuals, it is about a team, and knowing how to work with others effectively will add tremendous value to your life and the lives of others.

On one end of the spectrum, there are dysfunctional teams where personal agendas prevail and sabotage occurs. On the opposite edge, there are great teams where everybody is growing, rowing in the same direction, and eliciting each other’s best. The most important part of a great team is that it can satisfy a fundamental human need, which is to feel a sense of belonging through community.

So, what are the magical ingredients that go into a high performing team? In 2012, Google embarked on a quest to find out the answer to that question – how to build the perfect team? They launched a major study codenamed Project Aristotle, inspired by the philosopher’s quote, "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts." They spent two years studying 180 teams and concluded that excellent teams at Google have the following five components: psychological safety, dependability, structure and clarity, meaningful work, and impact.

#1 Quality Of A Great Team: Psychological Safety

Have you ever been in a room with your team where you wanted to contribute or speak against an idea, but you stopped yourself because you thought, this could be stupid, I could get laughed at, people will think I’m dumb, or aggressive, or something worse? So, you choose silence. You rob yourself of taking a risk and potentially innovating. This strategy works for you because you are protected from those doom and gloom scenarios that you conjured in your mind. Psychologist call this impression management, a conscious or subconscious process of regulating information in social settings.

Perhaps, a few seconds later, another part of you pushes through the discomfort and you speak up. Oops, your worst fear is realized as you are interrupted and even shunned. There is an absence of psychological safety, a climate where people feel comfortable being and expressing themselves. Harvard Business School Professor Amy Edmondson says psychological safety is the “belief that it's absolutely okay, in fact, it's expected, to speak up with concerns, questions, ideas, and mistakes.” Not having this condition can spell disaster, making teams rife with inefficiencies.

Unfortunately, most teams are not as psychologically safe. Gallup data reveals that just three in ten U.S. workers strongly agree that at work, their opinions seem to count. With no psychological safety, teams are holding back from interacting and potentially making mistakes. It is when the co-pilot does not feel comfortable telling the pilot that something is wrong, or it is when the nurse does not want to speak up in the operating room for fear of reprisal from the doctor so the patient’s wrong organ is extracted. Essentially, teams do not get to be at their best when they feel restrained.

In a fascinating challenge, Peter Skillman, former VP of Design at Palm and Author Tom Wujec had a team-building competition where participants had to build a marshmallow tower made from spaghetti, tape, and string. The only requirement was that the marshmallow had to sit at the top. He ran this competition with different groups, such as kindergarteners, business school students, and lawyers. The winner…reaching a whopping 26 inches were kindergarteners, while the average score for business school students was 20 inches. This experiment showed that it is more about team interaction than the caliber of individual skill. Kindergartens’ felt comfortable to take chances, fall flat on their faces, and try again. There wasn’t even an incentive that they get to eat marshmallows if they won! Business students were censoring their actions, sizing up everybody’s power in the group, and holding back their experimental approaches. They were ensconced in too much drama and not enough risk-taking. The lawyers…well, they may have been more preoccupied with arguing in and out of their minds.

Edmondson has confirmed that psychological safety predicts quality improvements, learning behavior, and productivity. When there is an opportunity for you to speak and feel fully listened to, you are more likely to take risks without feeling insecure or embarrassed and know that even if you fail, your teammates and managers will have your back. Gallup data supports these benefits including, “a 27% reduction in turnover and a 12% increase in productivity.”

Ways To Build Psychological Safety:

In her TEDx talk, Edmondson offers the first three actions individuals can take to foster psychological safety and I’ve added a few more:

1. Frame the work as a learning, not an execution problem. It is not just about completing the work but creating space to talk about the work from the beginning. Thinking about what we can learn from one another through discussion and debate before we jump into task mode. It is about recognizing that we all have uncertainties and we cannot know everything individually, so we need to listen fully to each other and get all members involved to figure things out and collectively solve problems. To do that effectively, it is imperative to have all brains and voices in the game. To prompt your team’s involvement, you can let them know that you are missing perspectives and would find it valuable for them to identify a few.

2. Acknowledge your fallibility and vulnerability. There will be times when you make mistakes and that’s ok because they will likely yield powerful learnings in which all can benefit. Being vulnerable and openly sharing your missteps or bad news, will invite others to share, and that builds psychological safety and spreads learnings that prevent avoidable errors as opposed to concealing that information. As a leader, when you offer small vital disclosures, it allows others to do the same without fear of being penalized.

3. Model curiosity and ask questions. This practice creates an environment where people can always speak up when they have simple or complex questions. As a leader, you can ask, “what are 3 questions that would be good to gain a better understanding of this challenge? I do not want to move on to the next topic until we get some tough questions on the table.”

4. Have clear norms and agreements. Ask team members what they need from each other to make their fullest and best contributions. What behaviors would they like to exhibit and commitments they like to make in service of psychological safety. Talking about these interpersonal interactions before jumping into the business will allow for effective and transparent communication.

5. Have guidelines for productive disagreement. Disagreements will most certainly happen. What is the best way you would like to be respectful of others’ opinions when this happens? How about when somebody gets naturally defensive, how do you want to handle this occurrence as a team so the exchanges are productive?

6. Ask for help. Mistakes can be made when people do not seek support, and some people do not feel comfortable because of fear of being judged or feeling like they should know something when they don’t so ask the question will expose that potential incompetence. So, what are those intentional steps team members can take to raise their hand and get assistance? Are their designated helpers? Sharing stories of teammates asking for help can normalize the practice and encourage others to do it and not be judged.

7. Solicit feedback. As a leader, do not assume people will voluntarily contribute regular feedback, you want to take steps to promote and encourage this practice to make it safe for them to raise concerns. You can change the suggestion box to a problem box that encourages them to bring issues so the team can fix them. If they would like to offer remedies or preliminary solves to those problems, that’s great, but it is not a requirement. This is so people do not feel pressure to also find a solution to a problem they have discovered. Some problems are deeply complex and need the minds of the entire team so no need to carry that full burden.

Being a part of a good team is a special experience because you get to be exactly who you are and have opportunities to grow in the process. Surrounding yourself with supportive high achievers will level up your abilities. The best teams have psychological safety, the conditions where you feel comfortable to take interpersonal risks and know there will be no consequences because it is an environment without judgment; those freewheeling contributions are necessary for innovation.

Quote of the day: “Alone we can do so little, together we can do so much.” -Helen Keller

Q: What does your manager do to build psychological safety in your team? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear from you?

*The next blog in the team series 2/10 explores the other characteristics that comprise excellence in teams.

As a Leadership Development & Executive Coach, I work with teams to build psychological safety for peak performance. Contact me to learn more.

Psychological safety is necessary for building excellent teams.

You Survived A Difficult Conversation, What’s Next? (Difficult Conversations Series 4/4)

September 16, 2019 Regina Zafonte

Planning to have a difficult conversation can be all-consuming that we usually do not think about the aftermath, and what’s needed to maintain the relationship and minimize the potential awkwardness.

Here are some steps you can take following a difficult conversation:

1. Acknowledge the conversation. When you see your coworker, you can say, “I really appreciated the way we handled that tough talk yesterday and am looking forward to working more powerfully with you!” You can even check in with the other person. “Just wanted to see how you were feeling about our exchange yesterday?” “Your relationship is important to me and I am happy we had that talk.”

2. Focus on the positive. You can try this, “I love the way we came together to identify a touchy issue.” You can thank them for engaging in the talk so they feel valued and appreciated.

3. Progress the conversation. Send a follow-up email to summarize the discussion and focus on the outcome that you want. Clear next steps create significant momentum. Also, having a written record tracks any differences in memory, perspective, and understanding and can also prioritize accuracy when new information comes to light.

4. Focus on building the long-term relationship. Pay attention to building a relationship outside the challenging conversation. What other topics can you explore together that will unearth new commonalities in which to solidify your bond? The executive decisions that went into season 8 of Game of Thrones is always a scintillating topic guaranteed to yield great discussions.

5. Do it again if necessary. Upon reflection, if you feel like you have something new to share, do not wait to broach the topic. There is no harm in going back and saying something like “I feel I did not get the chance to really explain my point of view. Do you have some time so I can articulate it better?” Of course, that will probably lead to a reply, and thus to a new awkward conversation, but since you have the experience so that will not be a problem anymore.

In every relationship, there is the potential to encounter a massive challenge that can either solidify or break the bond. Choosing to communicate effectively and taking the necessary relationship-building steps after the difficult conversation can go a long way in reaching the next level in your interactions.

Quote of the day: “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.” -Dorothy Nevill

Q: What is one thing you did after a tough conversation to restore your relationship? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

The DOs and DON’Ts of Effective Communication (Difficult Conversations Series 3/4)

September 2, 2019 Regina Zafonte

Communication is a delicate art because there is a balance between expressing yourself effectively and sharing how you fully feel, while also not offending the other person and turning them away. When deep understanding happens, it is a beautiful thing. Even when there is no agreement, as long as there is shared meaning and mutual respect, it is quite a good feeling.

Here are some common things to avoid, which will help to promote a healthy exchange:

1. Do not wait too long. If we avoid the conversation for so long, our frustration can accumulate. Unexpressed feelings tend to fester and can reappear in the discussion in nasty and subtle ways. It can also be hard for us to listen to the other side properly until we have said our peace. You may find yourself in a situation where you speak out against your boss on an agenda item that is not really so much about that issue, but more about the anger you are harboring for the past several months because you have been passed over for a promotion and don’t know why.

2. Avoid name-calling, blaming, and comparing. Saying somebody is a jerk is not helpful and when you choose to attack the person rather than stick to the ideas, it is a visible sign of an unhealthy exchange. Saying somebody should be more like this person puts them down and makes them feel bad, which is not accomplishing anything. If things heat up to an uncomfortable note, you can step away and resume at a later date so the distance can create more perspective.

3. Avoid extreme language. When you say, “you always” or “you never,” it raises their defensive walls and entrenches the characteristic to be more of a personality trait instead of a symptom of their action. A better option is to use safe language, such as, “when this happens, this is how it makes me feel.”

4. Do not judge. By saying, “that is wrong,” you are implying a moral judgment. Instead, Author Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communications, suggests that offering an observation is more powerful. If somebody cuts you off when you are speaking, you should not say, “you are rude” because it is laced with judgment, instead, you can say, “when you interrupt me, it is hard for me to get my point across,” or “when you interrupt me, I feel as if you do not want to hear my thoughts.”

5. Do not assume. It is so common to come to a conversation with a story in your mind. My teammate does not care about my project because he/she does not attend meetings. My boss does not care about my career because he/she has not given me a promotion yet. It is also common to assume we know the other person’s intentions based on our feelings. If we are hurt, we think they hurt us on purpose. Impact does not equal intent. But when we take an approach with a conclusion set in our mind, we leave little room for dialogue and understanding to occur. To have a productive conversation, be open to the fact that you may not know the whole story.

6. Do not apologize for your feelings. By saying, “I feel so bad about sharing this or this is really hard for me to do,” you can take away the focus from the problem and towards your neediness.

Here are some helpful reminders of what you can do in a conversation to yield the best results:

1. Prepare. Before going into the conversation, ask yourself some questions: What is your purpose for having the conversation? What would be an ideal outcome? The best outcome is when it is a positive and productive one, such as to forge a better working relationship. If the purpose is to demonstrate your superiority, such as, I’m going to tell this person how this should be done (because you are stroking your ego and not genuinely wanting to help the other person), you may want to choose a more useful purpose.

2. Check your insecurities first. Examine the root cause of the frustration, perhaps it has more to do with you and less about the other person. Maybe you notice that somebody is speaking up in a meeting and taking all the attention. Is it really about other people not getting a chance to contribute or does it pertain more to your inability to hold a room the way that person can and the way you want to? Think about what “buttons” of yours are being pushed? Are you blowing the situation out of proportion? Is a personal history of yours being triggered? You can still have the conversation but you need to be honest about what baggage you are carrying that may not be productive. Aim to have an honest conversation with yourself first.

3. Be direct. When having a difficult conversation, be straightforward and get to the point. While it might seem like you are being too harsh diving right into the constructive critique, you are doing the other person a favor. Most of the time, the person you are talking to knows that a potentially challenging comment is coming, so rather than dancing around the subject, just get to it. When you are muddled in your delivery, it can prolong and even prevent a solution.

4. Say AND not BUT. When the first half of your comments agree with the other person and then you use the word “but” as your transition, you lessen the value of everything that came before. Instead, you can disagree by using the word AND because somebody does not have to be wrong for you to be right. Two things can be happening at the same time. For example, “I know you care about the team and feel overworked which is why you do not respond to emails frequently…”

5. Be present. Sounds easy but we do not always do it because our attention often gets hijacked. Research shows that our mind wonders 50% of the time, and when you add the dozens of texts and emails we receive, our focus gets that much harder. Multitasking screams disrespect. Instead, show them that you are actively listening by doing small things like making eye-contact and paraphrasing what they have said as it demonstrates your take on the situation and allows the person to correct the record and feel heard.

A conversation can be a delicate dance between offering, hearing, and mutually exploring. For the most effective and satisfying conversations, it may be helpful to avoid tactics such as namecalling and judging, while embracing more productive ones such as preparing and being aware of our own assumptions.

Quote of the day: “Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.” -Margaret Wheatley

Q: What other suggestions can you add to enhance a conversation? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear.

The next blog in this series 4/4 will focus on the aftermath of a difficult conversation.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

Your Conversation Just Took A Downturn, Now What? (Difficult Conversations Series 2/4)

August 19, 2019 Regina Zafonte

So, you have taken all the necessary precautions to have a conversation that you have long put off. Just when you think that all your preparation is paying off, the conversation spirals out of control and it is devolving into unhealthy discourse. Usually, it is when a person feels unsafe that they may resort to unproductive methods such as withholding information or forcing their ideas. Rest assured, all hope is not lost. If you determine that the person you are speaking to is reasonable, rational, and decent, there are a few things you can do to get it back on track. And if you determine the person is illogical or unreasonable, well, you can always run away.

It is helpful to spot these unproductive tactics that one can use in a conversation:

1. Use of violence. Author Kerry Patterson defines violence as “any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, compel, and control others to your point of view.” When you dominate the conversation, cut people off, overstate your opinions, or make demands, such as “you have to do this,” it is quite harmful. These tactics violate the safe exchange of ideas because it is aiming to force meaning into the shared pool of understanding and prevents the other person from openly contributing; hence, a mutual agreement cannot be reached. Similarly, trying to get your way at any means necessary by name-calling, manipulating, or acting like you are the only one who has dignity is counterproductive.

2. Use of Silence. This is when a person decides to withhold information, mask their true meaning or withdraw from the conversation. A meeting of the minds cannot be reached if only one side is sharing.

3. Fixation on blame. Maybe you notice that the other person is trying to chronicle all the times when you were at fault and to blame. It is one thing to cite previous examples to illustrate your point briefly, but it becomes fruitless when the person is hooked on the past and not interested in moving the dialogue forward.

4. Wanting the other person to be a mind reader. You can think to yourself, I just told the person I was overworked, that should have been a clear signal that they should not give me more work. It would be wonderful if we could all pick up on clues, but it is even more incredible when we can say what you mean, instead of dropping a hint and hoping they pick up on it. Being crystal clear is kind.

5. Track switching. This is what occurs when two people are not on the same page so they are talking past each other. You may broach the topic of lateness and the other person ignores it and brings up your inability to respond to emails in a timely manner. Now, there are two topics on the table, so it is essential to tackle them one at a time or progress will not be made.

When disruptive tactics are employed, here are some helpful techniques to make progress:

1. Label the behavior. If the person is continually interrupting, say so, because it brings the issue to the forefront and raises it as a point of discussion. They may not be aware that they are behaving in this manner and it is only when you name the dynamic that you notice, which could prompt them to stop. Here are some examples…

· If they go off track, you may say, “I see that when I am trying to hash out this issue, we keep returning to this other aspect. How would you feel about finishing this one topic before moving on to another?”

· “I notice when I try and share my view, you interrupt me and I cannot complete my thought. Do you think we can speak in briefer time frames so we can finish our thoughts and hear the other person?”

· “It seems like there is a real focus on blaming me. It is not okay to only look at my contribution, but it is necessary to look at both sides of the issue.”

2. Prime. If the person is intent on being silent, it could be useful to keep the conversation going by encouraging them back into the talk by suggesting something you think they are feeling or pondering. When you prime or guess what they are thinking, it allows them an opportunity to respond.

· You can say, “Are you thinking that the only way to do this is to …?”

3. Contrast. When you see the conversation going in an unhappy direction, you can use a contrast statement, which is a simple sharing of what you do not want to happen followed by what you want. This will address the other person’s concerns and clarify the real purpose. Examples:

· “I do not want you to think that I am dissatisfied with your work, instead I value punctuality and want to work on that.”

· “I know this is difficult and I do not want to upset you, rather, I want to partner in a more empowering way so we can be happy.”

4. Return to the common goal. If the conversation becomes heated, you can take a step back and remind each other that you are not enemies, but in fact on the same side. Focus on the common goal you share. For example:

· You could say, “We both want this project to go well so we can get our bonuses and be proud of our work.”

· “I do not want to argue, I want to find a way where both of us can get what we want.”

· “I know we both genuinely care about making this client happy.”

5. Focus on problem-solving and the future. Maybe your coworker keeps returning to something that happened in the past and every time you shift the conversation forward, he/she rewinds. You can focus on what you want to bring about, what you want to see, not what you have already seen. Here are examples:

· “If we put our heads together, we can probably come up with a way to move past this. Do you have any ideas?”

· “The goal of this conversation is to work together more powerfully, what is the best way you think this can happen?”

· “Clearly, you think this is unfair, so how can we fix this?”

To have a fruitful conversation, we need to do everything in our power to do our part in contributing to a positive outcome. Using some of these techniques can go a long way in creating breakthrough understandings and deepening relationships to be more meaningful. At the end of the day, if it does not work out as planned, it will not be because of a lack of conversational intelligence or effort on your part.

Quote of the day: “In conversation avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve.” – John Byrom

Q: How has your communication style changed from when you were a kid? Which technique did you unknowing use then, how about now? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

The next blogin this series 3/4 will focus on the DOs & DON’Ts of effective communication.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.

How To Have Difficult But Caring Conversations (Difficult Conversations Series 1/4)

August 5, 2019 Regina Zafonte

Most people dread the difficult, challenging conversation that needs to happen. This could include giving unpleasant feedback, following up with your boss about a raise she/he said would happen, but has not, or confronting a teammate about their problematic performance and work habits. If these situations are not handled with great care, it could not only explode in your face but also make the other person feel like their very competency and sense of worth are called into question.

It is natural to want to avoid these conversations because of the potential for things to go wrong. On the flip side, having the conversation can deliver a great sense of relief from the trepidation that fills our mind. When we are constantly thinking about these delicate and intense exchanges, stress and negativity can consume our thoughts and distract us from our most important work. Instead of avoiding these moments, learning how to tackle them head-on can be one of the best ways to reduce your anxiety and even advance your career.

In his landmark book, Crucial Conversations, Kerry Patterson et al. defines a crucial conversation as a critical conversation when stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong so thought and care are required for the exchange.

If you plan on confronting somebody with an issue, here are some steps you can take to make it go as smoothly as possible:

1. Make an appointment. Let the person know the nature of the talk so they can adequately prepare and not be thrown off and perhaps instinctually defensive. A right moment for you does not mean the timing works for them as well.

2. Share your goal. It is critical to articulate your desired outcome. Do you want to share how a comment that was made in a meeting impacted you? Maybe an ideal result could be to have that person stop speaking for you. Perhaps you noticed that the relationship had been soured and your goal is to return it to the way things used to be? Clueing the other person in on your intention would ease their natural defense mechanism and you may even discover that you have a common goal in getting the project completed on time and doing an amazing job, even if you have different visions on how to get there.

The next few suggestions come from a model used in Crucial Conversations called STATE – State the facts, Tell the story, Ask for their perspective, Talk tentatively, and Encourage testing.

3. State the facts. When you recount the specific things that happened, it lays the groundwork for all delicate situations because they see what went into you forming your conclusions. For example:

· When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions…

· When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks, and you do not respond to my emails…

4. Tell your story. These are the facts plus the conclusion. Once you have shared the facts, let them know how you arrived at your findings so they can fully understand your thought process. For example:

· When you do not show up for team meetings, do not deliver work on time, and do not share your opinions… it seems as if you do not care about this project or are not putting in the same efforts as your teammates.

· When I fail to get a payment from you for several weeks and you do not respond to my emails, I worry that you will never pay me.

5. Ask for their story. It is vital to get their take on the story so you have the full picture. Do not assume you already know it so encourage them to share and listen thoroughly to what they have to say. If true understanding is to happen and a resolution is to be reached, communication has to be a two-way street. Examples:

· I’m probably not seeing the whole story, can you help me see what is going on or happening on your end?

· I’m starting to think you may not care about this team, do you have another explanation? What am I missing?

When the other person is sharing, it is vital to listen with curiosity because valuable insight will be shared for you to navigate the conversation better and build a connection for greater understanding to take place. When you can stand in their shoes and see their perspectives, you have a better chance of reaching an agreement and satisfying all needs.

6. Co-create success. It is always a good idea to engage your colleague in a problem-solving exercise to make the exchange more collaborative versus combative. Examples:

· I hear you saying you are okay with this approach, but it looks as if maybe you still have some concerns, is that right, should we talk through them?

· What outcomes are essential to both of us? What constraints do we both have that we need to be aware of? What is important to each of us that the other might not be aware of?

· I hear you are concerned with getting certain people to leave this team to complete the project. If we can get the right people, what can the campaign look like?

7. End with a thank you. These two words work in almost any situation, it creates closure in a difficult conversation.

The two other parts to Patterson’s STATE acronym include:

· Talk tentatively. When you are convinced of the information and act in a forceful, dogmatic manner, you can invite unnecessary resistance. In contrast, when you are tentative and more open in your approach, you can comfortably include the other person into the dialogue. Examples can include: “This is my opinion…,” or “I’m thinking out loud here….”

· Encourage testing. This approach is a way to draw out more of their response if you feel they are not sharing fully. Example: I’d like to take a stab at something here, I wonder if part of the reason why you do not submit your work on time is because you do not feel connected to the team or are not challenged by the work?

An effective conversation does not just include pure content, it is also about the way the information is presented and the intention to reconcile the difference in a caring and fair way. The best approach to a satisfying outcome is to get as much information as you can so understanding can occur. Indeed, a difficult conversation can be an opportunity for connection.

Question to consider: What is a constructive approach you have taken to handle a challenging conversation? We would love to hear your thoughts!

Quote of the day: “One good conversation can shift the direction of change forever.” –Linda Lambert

The next blog in this series 2/4 will focus on what happens when your difficult conversation detours.

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to have courageous conversations, contact me to explore this topic further.