When we set boundaries, we can better utilize our time. Unfortunately, there will always be people who test our boundaries, intentionally or accidentally but when they do, we must be ready to respond.
Anticipate the boundary being tested.
People are human; they may forget your needs or remember and still ask for things anyway. The onus is on you to restate the boundary and stick to your preference. You do not need to make their personal emergency a license to steal your time and energy. One of my clients used to say yes to her colleagues’ requests, even on weekends. When she transitioned jobs, she knew with a fresh start, she wanted to be clear about her non-work hours and show up differently. So when her colleagues would send emails on weekends, she would never respond. She believed that they would be annoyed or offended, but she found that they respected her more, especially after she said she dedicates her weekends to quality family time. She rarely receives weekend emails now, and when she gets the occasional one, she does not respond. You cannot blame others for trying to test your boundary, but you can take ownership of keeping yourself accountable and maintaining your boundaries.
To manage your work capacity, if you know you can only do 10 work items, be prepared for what you will say when an 11th item gets added to your plate. If you are visiting a family member who is not the nicest to you yet you know they are going to guilt you into spending additional hours with them, get clear on the right amount of hours for you, and if it is 2, let them know in advance that you will be leaving after a couple of hours and be ready with an enforcement mechanism in case you are tested. Good boundary-setting is all about informing others effectively and being able to stick to your original plan.
Beware of known boundary predators & have approaches to deal with them.
Boundary predators are people who rely on power, authority, or relationships to get what they want, at the expense of your boundaries. We may have all had bosses who say, “Yes, take vacation!” then call you the morning you’re leaving to ask you to put together “just a few quick bullets” for their upcoming board meeting. To reduce the seeming intensity of it, they may add, “it’s nothing formal – don’t spend a lot of time on it” (even though it is not even your job!). Or the client who finishes a consulting package with you and then says, “I had an emergency yesterday – I know we’re done with our package, but I had three quick questions I hoped you could answer. Just an email is fine!” Even though they frame the request like this, you know this could be a 2-3 hour investment.
Here are a couple of ways to deal with boundary predators:
1. Get a clear, concrete agreement up front on terms and boundaries. They will not always “remember,” but you can reinforce the boundary when you have an objective way to remind them. For example, when somebody is trying to engage in scope creep, that is, you have agreed to 10 hours, but they keep trying to add more, you can say, “Our agreement covers 10 hours of work, and here is how I defined that, this request would add another 2-3 hours, shall we update the agreement?” Then they can weigh their options and decide.
2. Ask questions. Sometimes boundary “predators” act the way they do because they have poor personal boundaries. Asking questions helps you to diagnose possible broken systems. For example, your boss is about to go on vacation, and their boss dumped something last minute on their plate, they do not know how to say no so they kick the can to you. You can ask questions such as, “tell me more about their expectations and time investments and your concerns with this waiting until after your scheduled vacation?” That may give your boss a chance to go back to their leader for further clarity or to realize the project can wait.
3. Bargain. When you feel like it is hard to say no, you can aim to compromise. Referring to the example above, when your boss requests a few bullets, you can respond and say, “I’m glad I make it look effortless, but bullets will take too long. Let’s jump on a 10-minute call to discuss it and then I’ll leave for vacation.” Or for the example referring to the client that asks a few last-minute questions, you can say, “These are fantastic questions! I can answer #1 (or here is a short answer to #1), but we need to start a new package for the rest. Shall I go ahead and send the agreement?” Again, they can decide the best way to proceed.
It is helpful to think in advance about three boundary violations that might be the hardest for you to stick to and then prepare a short script on how you would respond to those requests, so you do not have to be pressed at the moment, especially if you have lower energy and willpower. For example, if you know that your boss is going to ask you to stay late for a project, you can say, “I have a family commitment for this evening, but excited to tackle this first thing in the morning.” If a peer asks you to help by attending a meeting and offering your input but it cuts into your personal time, you can say, “I have a prior commitment, but is there anything I can share with you now briefly to offer help, I’d be happy to?” Keep the statements brief. You should also prepare a script for when a boundary gets violated. You can meet with the person to clarify expectations and reshare your work and non-work hours. For example, if your peer asks you to do work after your work hours and complains when it is not done, you can respond by saying, “I just wanted to let you know that my availability is from 9-5, I’m happy to tackle this work during my work hours, thanks for your patience.” Continue to reiterate your message and keep your behavior consistent, so others know what to expect and can adjust.
It is common for your boundaries to be tested and in that case, be prepared with how you want to uphold your commitment to yourself so you can maintain your balance and energy levels.
Quote of the day: “If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits because the takers don’t have any.” -Henry Ford
Q: How do you respond to your boundaries being tested? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!
As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to create winning personal energy management systems for themselves and their teams, contact me to explore this topic further.
Maintaining Your Boundaries Is Necessary