In the last article, we discussed the benefits and challenges of setting boundaries. This article will focus on the different types of boundaries and effective ways to develop them.
Here are some common types of boundaries we may have:
1. Physical boundaries. Let others know how we prefer to operate in our physical environment. This boundary can include your needs for personal space and physical requirements like breaks or rest. The pandemic has blurred these boundary lines for people for the first time. Especially if you are working from home, you may not have different areas in your homes for various purposes – your desk is where you do most of your work, but your table by the window is where you do creative thinking, writing, and ideating. If your physical space is blurred, such as working on your bed, it may interfere with your concentration and quality of sleep because your brain starts associating bed with work. It can be restorative to have a separation. If you are at the office, what is your norm when people can enter your private office? Do you put a sign on your closed door, meaning you are in deep work mode? Maybe you leave your door closed with no sign telling them they can enter if it is important. Or when you leave it ajar, it means anybody can enter. Constructing the proper mental and emotional atmosphere can help manage your mind for optimal success.
2. Emotional boundaries. It relates to honoring and respecting feelings and energy. It can include how much emotional energy you can take in and how much sharing you limit with specific people. For example, if somebody aims to have a difficult conversation with you and springs it on, you can respond by saying, you would like to have the conversation when you can be most present. Their eagerness does not mean that it has to prompt your readiness.
3. Time boundaries. This is about understanding and protecting your priorities by setting aside enough time for the many areas of your life without ongoing over-commitment. For example, if you get invited to a work event but know you cannot make it, you can simply communicate your existing commitment and inability to make it.
4. Intellectual boundaries. It is respectfully considering the thoughts, ideas, and experiences of yourself and others. Healthy intellectual boundaries also mean deciding on the timing for discussion. If somebody is pushing an unproductive conversation, you can find ways to say that you can respect you have different opinions, and have the desire to move on. If they press, you can say, let’s circle back when we have more data and schedule another time for this discussion.
5. Material boundaries. This is about establishing expectations for how your possessions will be shared and treated. Being clear about what you will and will not share, and how you expect your items and materials to be treated by others. If you allow your teammate to use your office for the days you are not there and discover stains on the desk, and it is a bit messy, you can share this information with your coworker to bring it to their attention, share your preference, and give them a chance to adjust. If they persist, you can say, “I cannot allow you to use my office anymore. I know this is something we discussed in the past, but as you know, I value it being clean, and the last couple of times, it has been out of order, which means it’s additional work for me.” Communicating politely and firmly is the best way to go.
Here are some effective ways to think about setting boundaries:
1. Identify your key priorities. What do you want most out of life personally and professionally to be at your best? When you name those things that are so vital to you, your boundaries will become clear because you can protect that time, but if you do not know what you want, then anything will do, and when somebody asks you to do something, you will say yes without a clear and ready alternative.
2. Invest in your routine. I like what Donnie Ecker, a highly respected and accomplished MLB Coach says about this topic. He talks about having a morning routine that is just for him. He wakes up and spends time on the things that matter; one is personal growth, so he spends 30 minutes every morning reading, eating healthy, exercising, and doing the other things he needs to feel great. Then when he goes to work, he shifts gears and makes it more about others, so he does not mind engaging in conversations prompted by others about the weather or hunting, topics that mean so much to them but little-to-nothing to him, so he will engage them for a few minutes because he already fulfilled himself this morning and feels energetically ready to give to others.
2. Label hard and soft boundaries.
Hard boundaries are non-negotiables, things you know you are unwilling to compromise no matter the circumstances. Because of their importance, they should be implemented as soon as possible and communicated clearly. For example, if you know you have your daughter’s soccer games on Friday afternoons, and that is when you spend quality time with her, any meetings or work events that you are invited to will not happen on a Friday. Instead of waiting for that time to be claimed by another, you can mark your calendar as unavailable so nobody can schedule over it. If you never release that time and broadcast to others your priority, you send a message that it is a clear non-negotiable, whatever may arise. One communication script can look like this, “I am offline every Friday after 3 pm. I’ve committed to attending my daughter’s soccer game at that time. I will respond Monday morning.” As Brene Brown says, being clear is kind.
Soft boundaries (or wishes and nice-to-haves) are ones that you may be willing to compromise on depending on the situation. They are like flexible goals, you have a direction in mind, but you can be more relaxed about the means to achieve the goals. Maybe you aim to leave the office at 5:00 pm so you can work out, but you are also involved in an important project that you think can lead to your promotion. Because exercise and this project are both important, you will make a call depending on the situation and day. You have an intention but are flexible. While your default is a no, you can also set criteria on when you would justify an exception, perhaps when it is a short-term situation, it impacts the bottom line, or a strategic client relationship. Similar to hard boundaries, it is always helpful to communicate your soft boundary. One script can look like this “I’m hoping to log off earlier in the evening. Starting next week, I’ll sign off at 7 pm most days. I have more flexibility on Tuesdays, but for urgent needs after 7 pm, call my cell phone.”
3. Identify work and playtime. What are your work hours? Is it 9-5 and if so, what do you do to signify that transition? Do you have a shutdown routine and a standing appointment to help you shift, maybe you have to pick up your child from practice or you have to walk the dog. If you work from home, perhaps you change your clothes to invite more relaxation, something noticeable to shift the energy and mark the end of work.
3A. View your breaks as productive time. Many people measure their productivity based on emails sent, meetings attended, and documents and decks created, but taking breaks contributes directly to your efficiency and productivity because it can be fertile ground for your ideas. Setting a boundary so you can invest in your wellbeing will make you better.
Here are the different types of breaks to consider:
· Daily. Making sure you are taking your lunch and separating from your desk and possibly going for a walk. It sounds simple, but many people cannot switch off, so they work through their lunch, neglecting their mental and physical health. They also deny themselves the opportunity to step away from their work to spur greater creativity and insights that they can bring to their projects.
· Weekly/monthly. Making sure you take longer breaks, an afternoon or day off here and there contributes to your engagement levels. Do you utilize your weekends properly and fully to disconnect and do something completely different or do you use them to work and catch up on emails? Are you being intentional about learning and investing in your development or are you doing mindless activities that will keep your skills stagnant? Are you engrossed in energy-creating activities like applying your strengths to a project that will help restore you or energy-draining activities such as doing only things others want? You have to be mindful of the work that will charge your battery so you have excess to lend to others when necessary. How you use your time makes a difference, especially on Monday morning and the rest of the week.
· Biannually. Making sure you are taking vacation 1-2x a year for longer restoration is helpful. You should know how long you can go without an extended break, and be sure to schedule it. Although many companies have unlimited vacation time, people do not take it. Americans leave almost 30% of their vacation time on the table. For some, it is an inability to pull themselves away from their work, but setting aside that time to disconnect for longer can level up your abilities in many ways because you can finally have the space to think more expansively.
4. Communicate your boundaries to others. Once you are clear on your boundaries, you should not just assume and expect that people can read your mind and give you what you want, that your boss will not email you after 5 pm, or that your teammate will not ask you to do something that sacrifices your time. Instead, we have to communicate clearly so others know. Where people go wrong is never having the conversation and assuming that the other person should get it. But we do not have the same values, pursuits, and tolerance levels as others. Their threshold for working time may be much higher than yours, and they may not even be aware they are impinging on your time. One way to communicate your boundaries is to set an away message on your email, such as out of office (ooo) until tomorrow at 9:00am so people know what to expect. If your company is globally dispersed, you can also put your time zone in your signature so people will know when you are online.
5. Experiment, reflect, and make adjustments as you go. It is good to experiment and try many things to see what your ideal boundaries are. And then, you can reflect on them and ask yourself questions to see if your boundaries need to be adjusted. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself:
· Did I feel more productive and energic at work by shutting off at 5 and being able to go to the gym?
· Am I feeling more refreshed when I get home for my partner and kids and giving my best energy, not my reserves?
· What positive and negative outcomes have come from the new boundary I have set?
· What do I need to change or adjust to stay on track and address any negative aspects resulting from my boundary-setting?
· How do I feel now versus at the beginning of this boundary experiment?
6. Embed boundaries into systems and processes. Leslie Perlow, Assistant Professor of Business at the University of Michigan conducted a study for a group of software engineers at a Fortune 500 company and tested a quiet time policy where there would be no interruptions three mornings a week before noon and found that the average engineer’s productivity spiked 47%. When the company made it their official policy, the productivity rate jumped even higher to 65%. When you treat your uninterrupted time as treasures to guard, your energy levels increase because your work and attention become fragmented, which chips away at your excellence.
You can always resort to your old ways, but usually, people discover old mindsets no longer serve them for their current needs. It is important to check in with yourself and make adjustments as you go. You can see them as a continuum that can slide right or left depending on the situation. When you step back, reflect, and evaluate your desires, you may discover that boundaries do not limit you; instead, they give you the space to create the life you want to live.
When we set boundaries, we give ourselves power and permission to work and live the way we want and not the way others prefer. We keep our power when we are firm and clear on our decisions so there is no room for others to come in and temp us from going off track.
Quote of the day: “No says, ‘This is who I am; this is what I value; this is what I will and will not do; this is how I will choose to act.” - Judith Sills, Psychotherapist and Media psychologist
Q: How do you set boundaries firmly and caringly? Comment and share below; we would love to hear from you!
The next blog in this series 8/8 will focus on ways boundaries can get tested and what to do when they are
As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to set and reinforce boundaries, contact me to explore this topic further.
The importance of boundary-setting