Strategies to Shatter Cognitive Distortions (Mindset Series 2/2)

December 27, 2021 Regina Zafonte

In the last article, we explored 12 common cognitive distortions or ways of thinking that can be detrimental to our happiness and productivity. Experts such as Aaron Beck and David Burns argue that we do not need to resign ourselves to this type of thinking; instead, there are numerous ways to identify, challenge, minimize, or erase these misrepresentations from our mind chatter.

Here are some steps we can take to work against these distortions or unproductive mindsets:

1. Learn how to recognize the cognitive distortion and label it. Now that you are familiar with some common ones, when you start thinking along those lines, you will be able to spot what is happening earlier. When you notice the distortion, write it down. For example, suppose somebody cancels a meeting. In that case, you may immediately overgeneralize – “this always happens to me, I can’t catch a break” or you may label - “I’m a total loser, of course, they don’t want to give me the time of day” or catastrophize – “I am never going to get my shot with this decisionmaker.” Spot yourself falling into the pattern so you can get out of it. You have to name it to tame it.

2. Look at the evidence for and against your thoughts. You have probably racked up support for your thoughts, but what about exploring the other side? Ask yourself, “what might somebody say who disagrees with you?” “How can I devise five reasons why this is not true.” “What if I was wrong?” You can connect with a friend and invite them to disprove your unsubstantiated theories. Just because you have a thought does not mean it is true so invite scrutiny to test your thinking.

3. Run a cost-benefit analysis. What is the cost of believing this unhelpful theory? Perhaps anxiety, self-consciousness, and excessive rumination. How about the benefits? Maybe protecting yourself from a potentially adverse outcome. Which is worth more? Write down your thoughts and get some distance so you can better see the holes in your logic.

4. Reframe. Perhaps you have a big presentation looming and you start to indulge your negative thinking and let it run loose. You get really anxious and determine you are going to do terribly because public speaking is your Achilles’ heel. Remind yourself that you can choose your response. You can transform your state of psychological arousal from anxiety into excitement. What if you viewed this presentation through opportunity googles and not a fearful lens? Things can go well - believing that is more productive!

5. Assume positive intent. When we judge people or assume the worst, we can feel bad about ourselves. Instead, if we make an effort to interpret other people’s statements in their best or most reasonable form, we can inculcate ourselves from some of that draining energy.

6. Avoid polarity thinking. Instead of thinking in black or white terms, think in grays. In which context is one thing more true? For example, instead of maintaining emotional intelligence (EQ) is always better than intelligence, perhaps EQ is more valuable in areas dealing with customer service and less valuable dealing with data. You can generate as many different interpretations to break the binary thinking.

Many people may not be realizing that they are engaging in thinking patterns that bring them emotional pain. When we can surface those harmful thoughts, we are better equipped to fight against them, and live healthier and happier lives. Allow your mind to usher in the productive and healing vibes that will allow you to thrive in the way you can.

Thought of the day: “The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven” - John Milton

Q: What thinking behavior do you notice doing the most? How do you break that cycle of destructive thinking? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

As a leadership development and executive coach, I work with leaders to explore their blind spots around their mindsets and assumptions to better serve their actions, contact me to explore this topic further.

Thinking Behaviors That Are Sabotaging You (Mindset Series 1/2)

December 14, 2021 Regina Zafonte

Have you ever stopped to think about how your thoughts may be helping or hindering you? Is the way we perceive the world always spot on, or could we be way off and not even be aware?

Psychologists Aaron Beck and David Burns researched these questions and concluded that sometimes the way we observe the world is erroneous because we have negative biases that we inherited from our ancestors who were equipped to constantly lookout for dangers. These flaws in our thinking are known as cognitive distortions - exaggerated or irrational thoughts that can do us great harm. For example, we can view the world through a negative filter and fail to see any positives. This thinking pattern is so habitual that we do not even realize what is going on and conclude that it is simply the way we are. But, does it have to be?

Here are 12 common irrational thought patterns that simply are not serving us:

1. Catastrophizing is when we blow circumstances out of proportion and think about something unbearable happening that we will not be able to endure. Maybe we made a mistake on a project and now think about the worst-case scenario, such as getting kicked off the team, fired, and possibly rendered forever unemployable!

2. Emotional Reasoning is when we interpret reality based on how we feel in the moment; our moods determine how we see the world, and if we feel something, it must be true. We may be feeling sad about our work performance after a poor presentation given in a meeting and then conclude the job is just not working out and we are not meant to be in this field.

3. Overgeneralizing is when we perceive a global pattern of negativity based on a single incident. Failing once can translate into believing we fail all the time. The clue that you may be overgeneralizing is when you use the words, “always,” “never,” “every,” or “all.”

4. Dichotomous Thinking is about having only two ways of thinking – all or nothing; feeling like the victim or the oppressor; you either win or lose; something is either good or bad. Saying, “I get rejected by everybody” or “it was a complete waste of time,” shows an inability to see the hundreds of interpretations in between. This type of thinking keeps you rigid and stifles your creativity and problem-solving abilities.

5. Mind Reading is about assuming you know what people are thinking without having sufficient evidence of their thoughts. “They think I’m a lazy contributor on this team.” We jump to conclusions because we think we know what the other person is believing. We could be presenting on a video call and one of the team members yawn so we conclude that they must think we are boring or do not respect me, but in reality, they were up all night from their new baby and their tired expression has nothing to do with us.

6. Labeling is assigning negative traits to yourself or others where it becomes part of your identity. You may engage in forgetful behavior where you fail to do a part of a project and condemn yourself to be an absent-minded and disorganized person. This can have massive negative impacts. For example, thinking you are an incompetent person can cause a looping effect where it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Over time you will develop schemas about yourself and your prospects and become the inept person you carelessly labeled yourself to be. Engaging in a few isolating behaviors is not the same as your character.

7. Attachment is thinking you “have to” or “must do” something because it is part of your identity. When we adhere to only one vision of ourselves and believe that possibly this one person or this one job can only make me happy, we close ourselves to many other options that could make us even more fulfilled. Sure, living in NYC can mean a blissful life, but so can living in other cities (I think). You may have your heart set on being a teacher because you like helping others, but there are multiple other ways you can achieve those same ends, such as being a coach, a facilitator, working in learning and development in an organization, being a mentor, volunteering, and so on. We cannot be sure unless we approach the situation with an open mind and welcome other possibilities.

8. Negative Filtering is when you focus exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives. Thinking about all the people who do not like you at your company, instead of the ones who do. You may get 6 pieces of positive praise on your presentation and 1 piece of constructive criticism and your mind zeros in on the negative and forgets the positive. How do you take a moment to look at the whole picture and really take in the good?

9. Discounting Positives is when you claim that the positive things you or others do are trivial or do not really count because of various circumstances. For example, disregarding your best friend’s compliments of you because that is what friends are supposed to do. Or, if success came easy then it does not really mean much because you did not have to work hard for it.

10. Blaming is about focusing on others as the source of your negative feelings, maybe you blame your parents for how you turned out or you hold your boss culpable for your unhappiness and refuse to take responsibility for changing. It is common to think, “if this person would just quit their full-time job of making me miserable, all my woes would disappear.” What purpose is blaming serving? How do you start with yourself and your contributions?

11. Always Being Right is the belief that we must always be correct and will fight to prove that we are. In this mindset, we fail to consider the other person’s feelings in the discussion, and it becomes hard to sustain a relationship because nobody wants to be in constant competition. Meir Ezra notes, “The more a person needs to be right, the less certain [they are].” What is behind that desire to be right? What do you win? More importantly, what is lost?

12. Personalizing is when we attribute a disproportionate amount of the blame to ourselves for negative events, and we fail to see the role others play in causing certain events. “The partnership ended because I failed.” Yet, you do not take into account their part.

These types of twisted thinking can interfere with our intellectual development and harm our mental health. Epictetus stated, “What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but how we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance.” When we can identify our thought patterns, we can decide what we want to do about them. We have more choices than we realize.

Quote of the day: “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Q: Which one of these distortions do you most often use, and when do you use them? Comment and share below, we would love to hear from you!

[The next blog 2/2 will focus on strategies for correcting our counterproductive thought patterns.]

The first rule of kindness – be kind to yourself

January 8, 2019 Regina Zafonte

After you have made a mistake, what do you say to yourself? “I am a joke, I can never get it right, everybody is laughing at my failure.” Or is it more along these lines, [voice pitch and tone now softened] “Gee, that was funny how I messed up, this is going to make for an interesting story, I’ll get it right next time.” There is a crucial distinction to be made between screwing up and being a screw-up; so why can’t we easily see that? Author and Cofounder Ben Horowitz may have the answer when he said: “by far the most difficult skill for me to learn as CEO was the ability to manage my own psychology.”

Indeed, the most important conversation you can have is with yourself. How we treat ourselves makes a big difference in how we succeed, attack challenges, and thrive in this world. Dr. Barbara Fredickson explains when the mind is cynical, the brain operates purely in a fight or flight mode, but when the mind is positive, we employ our full range of intellectual, social, and emotional resources to find new ways of seeing and doing things. She indicates that the latter approach makes it easier to bounce back from setbacks and achieve what was once only imagined.

There is a concept in psychology called the Positivity Ratio, which states that you need three pieces of praise for every bit of negativity because the latter has more weight than the former. In fact, the most successful marriages require a higher ratio in that they are more likely to succeed when the balance is 5-1 and the highest performing teams need even more, 6-1 as shown by a study in the Harvard Business Review. As you can see, in all varieties, there is always at least one piece of criticism because these sentiments are also valid, it is just that the critical judgment needs to be greatly overshadowed by kinder words. So the next time you are thinking about saying something harsh to yourself, be sure to follow it up with as little as three pieces and as many as six for good measure.

What Are Some Ways to be Kind to Ourselves?

1. Fill your mind with positivity. Journaling for five minutes every day about any of the following topics can help: What am I grateful for, what makes me happy, or what are my strengths? We can almost always find our good fortune if we look for it and that will put us in a gentler mood.

2. Compliment others. How about starting your day with a positive email to somebody thanking him/her? Or, what would it be like if you started your conversation with a compliment? Abe Lincoln aptly noted, “men will stand a good deal when they get a compliment.” Truth is, we feel better and are nicer to ourselves when we know we have made others feel good.

3. Do good deeds. CEO Anthony Robinson has a “random act of kindness” practice. Every so often, he would leave money with the Starbucks barista to pay for another person’s coffee. For him, it feels terrific to see somebody else smile.

4. Keep track of compliments that people give you. This is a practice I started several years ago. It is such an effective pick-me-up when you can scroll through to get a reminder of just how amazing others think you are.

When you wake up in the morning, you should be intentional with how you want to treat yourself, and when you are choosing between being kind or mean, change the options to be between being kind or kinder. How much more vibrant and flourishing would your life be if your positivity ratio was 10-1? Let’s go!

Q: What things do you do to engender more positive self-talk? Comment and share with us, we would love to hear your kind thoughts!

Thoughts for today: “A man is what he thinks about all day long, how can he be anything else.” -Emerson

“Be kind to yourself, because you will never speak more to anyone else than you speak to yourself.” -Naman Gupta

How kind are you to yourself? How can you be even kinder?